beginnings.

this page is screaming white.

it taunts me as my brain thinks. "you can't fill me".
the whispers of unused letters and words haunt me "you can find us."

i have so many questions. i have so little trust. i am learning that even though i painstakingly take my life into my own hands and attempt to navigate my way through the great unknown abyss that is the future, i still stumble through failure and heartbreak. the very things i try to save myself from, i drown in by my own actions, words and strivings. this should probably change.

the trouble with trusting yourself more than anyone else, is that it works, but only for a little while. therefore, everytime you start, it goes unmistakably well, but only for a little while. i have been told that after years (he never lets me get that far) that it will nearly eat you alive with heart attacks and panick attacks and acid reflux. this worries me. if only i _____ then i can stop ______.... and behold, i start again. i vicious cycle of destroying my own life.

dramatic? probably.
probable? possibly.

so here i am, learning that surrender is the sweetest form of flattery, the most evident sign of a humbled and broken self. i never did belong to me anyhow.